Learning to Assert Self
A desire for validation is not very covert or readily seen. We often do not know that the desire for validation is driving our actions and is also the reason for the lack of boundaries. But in moments of fear, we can get ample evidence of this desire. When we are afraid due to some decision of ours, especially about how it will be received by others and the repercussions like punishment, scolding, rejection etc — then we can see very narrowly but clearly the root of this fear. The root of this fear is the sense of appearing pleasing to others, almost as an obligation. And this sense is so much rooted and layered into us, and the depth of this sense determines the degree of fear we feel when basically we are “being ourselves”.
Such situations are around us everywhere in our life — in our family, work places, relationships etc. “Because the other person will feel bad we do not do what we wish to do and know is right for us”. And living like this is basically living in a prison and a trap, wherein you wish to fly away but do not. It is almost like we are consumed in our decisions by others. In modern world this is — being unfree.
So how do we overcome it ? But before we get to that, it is necessary to understand the origins of the fear that has made us into validation-seeking minions. As a child, if we were punished for doing something that was not liked, appreciated at home, we were either punished or met with curiosity of our parents. If we were punished, we were slowly conditioned into this thinking that if we do something that is not liked by the elders, we will go through pain and discomfort. Living at home, this pain and discomfort was through some physical punishment like beating. While not at home or after becoming an adult, we still feel that pain, but it is now emotional and mental.
The consequence of doing what we wanted to do in our innocence of childhood has been bad and it does not matter what we were thinking. It is simply wrong and bad, if our parents have not liked it! And as we have grown up, spending 18 years at home, we have internalized that behaviour and more so because retaliation to parents was not an option. Our self-esteem thus is external and depends on “how nice we are perceived”. If people dislike us or envy us, we feel extremely guilty and begin disliking ourselves. And it is very difficult to live with self when we do not like ourselves or our actions. Life goes on, until it cannot.
Because we have grown up as these kids who tolerate and measure our actions — we often do not attract much trouble. We are nice and kind. But, that zest to be self is always there — hidden and growing with time larger and larger. And some life situation comes up in our life, when we can clearly see that if we remain that nice kid, who does what will not upset others — we are doomed and are in the danger of losing our remaining worth completely. That is a wake-up call and a rude awakening.
As we wake up, we can see through the prison walls and traps and now we can no longer act to please or obtain validation or being touted as nice. Such an attitude has only shrunk our personal power and our personal boundaries are violated. Now, we have had enough and it is time to do, act, and say what we want to while caring less and less what people think or say. And this is extremely difficult because a lifetime of conditioning is being uprooted and it will not happen smoothly. So, we take it one decision at a time.
Like, “not picking up that call from office after work hours”, “not saying Yes to the party you do not want to attend”, “not sitting to eat with the person you do not like or respect”, “not giving time to events which drain your soul”. And as we take these decisions, we see our fear coming to surface — the fear of others’ displeasure with us, the fear of their judgement, the fear of being disliked or worst fired. It can often turn into panic, but we have to remind ourselves at these times — “what I am doing is aligned with my feelings and truth. Sure it is fearful and I am afraid, but I cannot be anything else, to stop feeling this fear”. Often, we do not want feel this fear and fears associated with others’ perspective so we give in. And that causes a very ugly stamp on our soul. Everyone who has done this, knows about it. And we hate ourselves for it.
But, if we sit with that fear and observe it, it dawns upon us, “I am not as brave as I thought I was. I am scared, yes. But, I also know the decision I have taken it non-negotiable and un-alterable. I have to be firm despite the fears”. And in adult world you wont be beaten but of course you can be harmed in other ways — paycut, department shifting, lose friends, or getting fired. So, such an attitude will not be liked by others, because they do not possess that attitude and live a life of sycophancy or timidity. It takes someone who has touched the rock bottom, to be born with this attitude. Who can deny the fact that when you have seen yourself losing everything as an adult, you have begun to look at life and its external pleasures with disdain. If they are taken away, you know you are going to be well.
And slowly, we reinforce our boundaries through our decisions in our interaction with people. We learn to filter and learn to say NO and become comfortable at being disliked. Being disliked is shocking but it is a truth after all we accept and this acceptance frees us. We also realize that the kind of validation that is contingent on us doing some acts certain way, and not others is ephemeral anyway, and not worth having. We see that despite our hard work and efforts to be nice, and disciplined and dutiful, there are always things we are told we are falling short of — we discover, “that’s it. It is time to become my own person and give the worth that I seeked from others (elderly, parents, bosses, spouses) to myself. I have given up on this seeking and am now slowly coming back to my own self”.
This is perceived as dangerous by people around us, and obviously no one likes it. But now we have stopped caring. Being in the prison for long, desiring the freedom and regard of people around us, we have discovered, we have lost our identity and now it is time to reclaim it. The Locus of control finds its way towards us.
We do not become an outlaw obviously, we still are dutiful and do our work with love, conduct our life with dignity, but now we have learnt to be firm in our own self. This is a process and it moves ahead decision by decision. When you will take that decision, you will be afraid. And its ok, but with time it will slowly come to pass. The cost of being yourself is, “You must be willing to lose everything”.
I am walking towards this Freedom, will you?
